Summing up My Impressions of Brasil, Argentina, and Chile in One Word and One Dish Each

*Disclaimer: I know that it is entirely impossible, and even somewhat inappropriate, to "sum up" an entire nation into a single word or a dish, and I am in no way trying to pretend that by spending a total of two months between the three aforementioned countries that I have even the slightest grasp on any of them. This post is just about my limited impressions as an outsider based on limited experiences in a limited amount of time in a limited number of cities - so please don't take them too seriously! Also, I stole almost all of the pictures in this post. Really, this entry is just inappropriate on a variety of levels. Forgive me? 


Brasil - Sultry - The Caipirinha

Rio de Janeiro in March is hot, and humid, and no matter where you go you to seem to always be within feet of a gorgeous, white sanded beach.The scenery is lush, the air carries the fragrance of tropical flowers, the mangos are juicy - you know, the kind of place where sweating looks less like this...

Ew. Sorry to single you out dude, but don't worry, I only have like 6 readers.

...and more like this...

Oh c'mon lady, that's not even fair. And why does this come from a site called fugly.com?!

Couple all of this with thong bikinis and strangers making out at Carnivale, and I'd say you've got yourself one heck of a sultry city. And surely, no drink is more sultry than the caipirinha.

If you've never had a caipirnha before: make one. Now. I'll wait. Here's a recipe:  http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/caipirinha/Detail.aspx.

For those of you without the time, money, or motivation, the caipirinha is made with lime, fermented sugar cane (you can use rum instead), sugar, and ice. It's sweet, but it's got a bite. It's refreshing, but distinctly tropical. On a hot day, the glass glistens sexily with condensation, much like the nice lady pictured above. It's sultry. It's a caipirinha. And just to prove how Brasilian the caipirinha is, when I searched for "delicious caipirinha" pictures on Google Images, the Brasilian flag popped up on the first page. Followed closely by naked women. Rule 34.

Argentina - Passionate - Asado 

I took exactly four days of Spanish classes whilst in South America, and though I struggled immensely with the new universe of grammar and vocabulary, I found myself particularly struck by a conversation between my professor and the one other student in my class.

"Why do you like Spanish?" My teacher asked my fellow classmate.

"Because Spanish is the language of love," she replied. My teacher looked confused.

"But isn't French the language of love?" He wondered.

"No," she responded. "French is a language that you speak sitting back. Yes, it's intimate, but it's also a whisper, almost hesitant. Spanish is a language that you speak sitting forward. It's passionate. It's love."

Perhaps in no other place did I understand this better than in Argentina, where the people were so passionate that I once watched my bus driver stop in the middle of the road, open his door, and begin to yell in heated Spanish at a taxi driver who had cut him off. The art is passionate, the music is passionate, the lovers are passionate, and the meat - the meat is very passionate.

Look at the above pictured piece of grilled perfection, for example: still just a little bloody, dripping with juicy anguish, undoubtedly prepared by a master asador grill operator. It's hearty, it's mildly raw, and it's just a little bit bad for you but in a way that's oh-so-good-for-the-soul. It's the kind of meat that turns a vegetarian into a carnivore - and if that ain't passion, then I don't know what is.

Chile - Quirky - Pastel de Choclos 

Clearly, I do not have a future in computer-generated graphic design

OK, assigning Pastel de Choclos as the food most representative of my impression of Chile is not entirely fair since I rather enjoyed Chile but I hated - hated - Pastel de Choclos. 

Let's be clear right now: I've eaten some weird things in my life. Raw snails, duck feet, congealed blood sausages... but this was one of two things ever which made me feel like I might vomit. 

Literally translated, Pastel de Choclos means "cake of corn" of "corn cake." But don't be fooled! This isn't a delicious chili accompaniment, or some long-lost cousin of carrot cake. This is the devil. 

Please note my above diagram, which I was not able to properly label due to computer illiteracy. On the bottom layer are some chopped onions which, in the one pastel de choclos that I had, were slimy and bitter. On top lies some ground mystery meat which I was promised was ground beef but was so distinctly gray in color that I feared it was actually rotten oysters (or insert your own disgusting, gray-colored food here). Next, we have three hilariously placed food items: an entire chicken leg, including the bone; one whole boiled egg; and one - just one! - olive, pit and all. Then, the entire thing is covered with candy-sweet mushed corn that would be far, far more fitting as a dessert than as something to top assorted meats. As an added bonus, the pastel de choclos that I ate was still half frozen, so everything was the same, disgusting, wet texture. For the love of god, do not try to add sauce or ketchup to fix things... it will only make it worse. 

So, if I enjoyed Chile but I hated Pastel de Choclos, why I am choosing this food to represent my impression of that country? Because Chile, just like a casserole which tastes like dessert on top but then includes just a single olive underneath, is quirky. What else can be said of country where one day you are in the mountains drinking wine and eating escargot, and where the next day you are listening to Cypress Hill celebrate the fact that they are, indeed, "Insane in the Membrane?" Where people have puppet shows at dusk for children; the most common hot dog is topped with tomatoes, avocados, and mayonnaise; pizza comes with optional banana; and people tie silk ropes into park trees on Sundays to practice aerial circus arts? Where men make jobs out of selling soy burgers and sushi from iceboxes in front of subway stations, and where homeless girls juggle in the crosswalks at red lights for spare change? It's just quirky - weird, but in a delightfully fun way. Go if you have the chance.

But do yourself a favor: stick to the sopapillas. Not only will you save money, but you'll prevent a whole lot of tummy ache as well.